Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize