pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
