listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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