why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
This is classic penis vs brain.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
