I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
