I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
