Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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