I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
