Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
