there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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