I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
