I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
