He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
