I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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