NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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