she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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