Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
