Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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