I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
