just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
