i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
