I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
