my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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