Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
