Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
