so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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