Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize