gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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