The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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