My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
