I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
