How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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