I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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