I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
