all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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