when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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