In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
