I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize