we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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