took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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