I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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