i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
