True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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