So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize