just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
