only you would photoshop your dick
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
