I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
