My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize