Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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