Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
