Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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