Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
