god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
