You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
