Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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