we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
