Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
