Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
