Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
